I Want a Husband

Even in today’s constantly evolving world, with near equality between the sexes, a husband seems a crucial component to any woman’s societal success. I too wish to adapt to that mold by procuring a husband. The question remains, why do I want a husband? Let me explain…

 I want a husband mainly to provide for me financially. Upon completion of my schooling, it will still be vital for me to secure a husband to pay the bills because I must tend to the children. While I am dealing with the duties of diapers and daycare, he will inevitably be shut away in an office characterized by a professional atmosphere.

 I want a husband so that the immense amount of money that he earns at his important, influential job can go towards my clothes, hair, and makeup, allowing me to look my absolute best when I am on his arm at events. I want a husband so he can obsess over these details of my appearance, perhaps selecting appropriate outfits and elegant hairstyles in order to impress his high-ranking male friends.

 I want a husband so that when he arrives home at night, he can enthrall me with every minute detail of his day. At five o’ clock, I want a husband to be sitting at the kitchen table, readily expecting a cooked meal. I want a husband so that while he enjoys this meal, he can entertain me by loudly belching or emitting other unpleasant sounds and odors.

 I want a husband who is ridiculously obsessed with televised sports. Most importantly, I want a husband so he can prioritize these sports programs before all else. I want a husband that will invite his male friends over for some “bonding” consisting of beer and a football game, for which I can readily supply snacks, but otherwise remain invisible.

 I want a husband so that I can constantly clean up the haphazard messes he believes are necessary to leave scattered throughout the house. Dirty clothes and used dishes left in random places, waiting for me to pick them up is exactly what I have always desired from a partner. Furthermore, I want a husband so that when I instruct him to dispose of the mess, he will readily ignore me, opting to tune out my voice, but insisting later on that I never made such a request.

 I want a husband so he can be assertive and take on the role of the “man of the house’’, avoiding vulnerability in ways unknown to me. If I need someone to properly discipline the children, I want a husband so he can get up from his recliner (when his program is on a commercial break of course) and assertively lay down some ground rules. When speaking to me, I want a husband that will shy away from talking about all emotions or sensitive subjects whatsoever and never reveal how he truly feels. This way, aligned accordingly with his preferences, tough issues will remained unresolved. However, in any case of doubt, his judgment will unyieldingly reign supreme.

 

Overall, at the end of the day, I want to go to bed knowing I have a husband who is superbly masculine, dominant in all situations, and will proceed to keep me up all night with his deafeningly loud snores.